Sunday, 19 May 2013

The Girl With No Fingerprints



Beginning a long due blog-post with an apology is so clichéd now,I might as well tell you why it is easier to excuse oneself from one's writer-ly obligations and read sappy romance novels occasionally stopping to make more lassi because IT IS TOO HOT for anything else…and because learning Spanish from Spanish for Dummies, as I found out, is only for those dummies who have also read Memorizing for Dummies.


18 GIFs That Are Lazier Than You
That's me during the vacations.Minus the ice.

And learning to play Happy Birthday with a studio-grade piano with options enough to take one to Mars ain't so much fun either. And now, according the government I have no fingerprints.

Based on a true story.

The Aadhar Card.Supposedly the One card to rule them all.Which doesn't exactly translate well for us citizens.

Anyway,being the law-abiding,government-respecting(cough cough) citizen I am,I did go.Ration card and smudged college-ID in hand along with Dad and sister-dearest.

Step 1.Fill in form with personal details.
Step 2.Scan fingerprints.
Step 3.Retina scanning(and boy,do eyes look ugly when all blown up on a computer screen.)
Step 4. Check whether the clerk got all your details right and that you haven’t gone from being Lalit to Lolita and other assorted mistakes only Indian clerks make.
Step 5. Get a receipt and WAIT. Till the day the Great Indian Bureaucracy decides you deserve your Aadhar card.

See? Easy as pie…only,not for me. Nope.
Because yours truly fails the one step no normal human being would ever fail. The fingerprints.
No matter how hard I’d push down on that fingerprint scanner,all I’d see was ‘Data not enough’.You’d think a 95-kilo dad holding your hand down would be enough to pop the fingerprints out of a rock but no sirree.
And then the clerk girl asks us to come back after 25 days when my fingerprints grow back and to Vaseline-ise myself till then.

40 GIFs That Say NO - Image 29
Methinks not.
Really woman??You think what hasn't grown in 18 years is going to pop up in 25 days for fear of not getting an Aadhar card?? And yeah, Vaseline is my middle name(dry skin issues...don’t ask).Pooh Pooh to you.

But in all fairness blaming everything on the machine and the girl isn't very…fair. Not their fault…maybe the I'm-an-alien-princess theory does have something to it after all.

Bow all ye scum to Princess Zelda of Planet Xanadu in the 13th Galaxy!


Heck yeah.

But come on government,you could at least TRY to help us poor aliens attempting to adapt ourselves to your world...take some lessons from those Men in Black movies…a little alien embassy so we get more of our kind and a coupla hot agents to chase us. Watcha gonna lose??

Yours truly,
Disappointed alien princess…Still waiting for her Aadhar card.

And as you can see the summer hasn't been doing much for my sanity but it is good to be back and blogging and stalking all you good people of the Internet, barring the wicked pervies who spam my blog… I'm watching you.



36 comments:

  1. Sometimes I actually wish I didn't have fingerprints. I'm a little surprised though they didn't start questioning you. Normally people without fingerprints are the ones who remove them for some reason, such as because they're thieves. I think I was fingerprinted by the police when I was like, six, as part of a school trip. It took a while for me to realise that they were being sneaky and now have my prints on file just because I was once a stupid kid who never saw conspiracies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The important thing is that you know now...no more free fingerprints for those smug, stuck-up government officials.:P
      But hey,at least they're trying to do something on their own initiative without you having to troop to a government office with stuck-up governmental minions making your life not worth living...but then that's India!
      And forget questioning,I could see 'JUST GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK AFTER LUNCH' written in the girl's eyes...we freaks of nature are just too hot to handle, baby!
      :P

      Delete
  2. You know, there are only 4 documented families who carry the genetic mutation (SMARCAD1) of having no fingerprints.. If they don't "grow back", you could all pitch in to form an alien embassy!
    Really fun post, btw!
    :)

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    Replies
    1. That is AWESOME. Adermatoglyphia is the name...but in my case it would be a partial mutation...I do have these very faint lines but goodness knows...which is just like me.On neither side...like the bats in the fight of birds and animals... which could mean there's some connection there...I need to stop.
      But yeah,ALIEN EMBASSY ZINDABAD!
      And thank you!:)

      Delete
  3. I haven't laughed like this for so long! The 'Cat' gif is hilarious, and the caption just adds to it! :D
    Keep up the good work. (y)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha...and I am mighty glad you liked it!
      Thank you.:)

      Delete
  4. You're back :D while I disappeared :P well, at least you can look up "Jewel thief" as a valid and viable career option, what say? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It definitely seems that way...at least if the summer remains this hot,I don't think I'll be in any mood to study so yeah, 'tis the high-life of looting and larceny for me!
      ;)

      Delete
  5. Hahaha!
    We had to do that here last year too. The UAE decided to start a new National Card system and we had to go get our finger-prints stored. It was pretty organised- everyone got an appointment so nobody had to wait long.

    I didn't have finger-print issues, but my grandmother did. So the lady taking her finger-prints rummaged in her bag and extracted a hand lotion to rub my granny's hands. It smelt so good that my mom asked her which brand it was. She was flattered and insisted my mom take it. My mom refused but she kept on pestering her to take it so she gave in. Now we have this awesome-smelling designer hand lotion with a story :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that's the difference between there and here...what we get from fingerprinting sessions is a no-fingerprint certification whereas you get designer hand lotion!:P
      It's not so bad all the time though.There I go contradicting myself again.
      And what lotion WAS it anyway??
      ;)

      Delete
  6. welcme back babe... i missed you.. and here's me wishing your fingerprints a speedy growth and be glad at least the hindi translation of your address did not certify that you stay in some Basti (Translated from the word Colony)True story! My hindi address reads basti hahahaa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yo yourself Stu!
      And I do hope my fingers listen to you,all my wishing hasn't done much good.
      And yeah,Basti...I'd be cool with that.It sounds like you live in a quaint little village somewhere in the far reaches of Northern India,making lassi wearing a ghagra all day.And that is NOT a bad thing.:)

      Delete
  7. YOU'RE. SO. FUNNY.
    How are you so funny like that?

    I think it's superdy awesome that you don't have fingerprints (or they're yet to grow?). I imagine it's something you put on your resume/C.V.. Or... or... at one of those interviews, where they ask you to tell them about yourself... you can start by saying you don't have fingerprints. My God. That would be amazing.

    Pity about this Aadhar card, though... but somehow I feel like you can make this work out for you, and somehow one day possibly you'll be able to RULE THE WORRRRLD.

    I donno.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Comes with the package...no fingerprints plus whacko sense of humour.;)

      And that's what I call an idea. Nothing like the fact that I'm an alien to wipe those smirks off the faces of stuck-up interviewers.

      Of course...and I think I'm going to outlaw Aadhar cards and extremely hot summers when I'm the Lord Mistress of the Earthian Empire...something to look forward to.
      ;)

      Delete
  8. FUCK THAT AADHAR CARD!
    I LOOK LIKE A TALIBANI IN IT. On second thoughts, Like Phoolan devi with a much bloated face.
    LOOOOOK at tht polar bear.My day is made!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you do look human right??!
      And you can't even say that for most of the cards I've seen...even ones belonging to the normally chikna-looking people!
      :P

      Delete
    2. Sigh....Stupid Indian Govt!

      Delete
  9. Hey
    Im Glad I found your blog!
    I really like it!
    Maybe we could follow each other? :P
    - A new follower
    http://mecraftteen.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure and thanks.:)
      And I remember seeing you at TBC I think.
      Cheers!

      Delete
  10. I really could not believe such a thing happened...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a hard time believing it too...maybe not.
      Can't blame you!
      ;)

      Delete
  11. Uhhh, whaaat now? Seriously? I am too scared to laugh now. Sigh. But I like Ghadeer's story too, about designer lotion! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Naw naw laugh all you want...seriously.
      And yes designer lotion...'Tis a nice story I agree.At least more believable than mine!
      :D

      Delete
  12. I'm still laughing so hard at your gifs :D Once I'm done, if I'll ever be, I'll post a decent enough comment :D:D:D:D

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  13. Talitha! Good to have you back! :'D
    You use the exact gifs and they have me laughing so hard!
    You are very right about the hot weather. It's just too hot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And it is good to be back yes...only the heat is slowly sucking me back to lazy-land again...Not for 3 months this time.Hopefully.
      And thank you!:D

      Delete
  14. This is the funniest thing ever. So your finger print just refused to show itself? xD
    I heard the news just a few days ago about how pictures of benches and trees showed up on people's Aadhar Cards instead of their faces. And certain machines recorded someone else's finger prints rather than whoever's it was supposed to be. It's probably just a technical glitch they are trying to hide by asking you to come back after a few days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great...we've outdone ourselves.
      *slow clap* Go Government!:)

      Delete
  15. HAHHAAHAHA.
    YOU HAD ME LAUGHING AS I READ THIS POST! :D
    Lady, you got yourself a new follower :)

    Resume blogging, yes?
    would love to read more of your blogposts :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A new follower I don't deserve!
      And now I don't even have summer to blame for not writing...but I will.
      We can but hope,right?!

      Delete
  16. This was hilarious, needed something like this :)

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    Replies
    1. Glad you think so Arcane!
      P.S. Love the name
      :)

      Delete
  17. TALITHAAAAAAA. SO GOOD TO READ YOUR BLOG AGAIN. *Spazzes out*
    Okay we need to catch up, so here goes:
    -I'VE MISSED YOU.
    -My eyes looked super creepy and ugly in the retina scanner too. *sobs*
    -I have been creepily stalking you all this while and stroking my computer screen sadly awaiting your return with a Kristen Stewart expression on my face.
    - My iPod was on shuffle and Akon started playing and I instantly thought about your brother and started giggling uncontrollably. (Random ladies in the train gave me the stink-eye though. :( )
    -POST MORE STUFF, OKAY? I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ENTRIES MAKE MY DAY. <3
    -Email me!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I need this! It is a fully informative post.I found it informative and interesting.
    Thanks for the inspiration!


    Fingerprint

    ReplyDelete

Go on say it!
I'm all ears...